


I Couldn’t Stand the Person Inside Me I Turned All the Mirrors Around

by Princessfbi



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Buckley Siblings, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, F/F, F/M, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Overstimulation, Protective Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Protective Team, Soft Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Team as Family, worried team
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:03:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28498014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Princessfbi/pseuds/Princessfbi
Summary: The shattering sound of plates erupted in the air like a crack of thunder and Eddie’s gaze shot up from his phone. Something was wrong. It was a hair thin trigger that had been switched the moment he caught sight of his boyfriend and the whole world could’ve stopped for all Eddie knew. Buck was staring down at his hands, breathing way too fast, and drowning in some kind of panic that only he could see.“Eddie?” Carla called. “Is everything all right?”Something must have shown on his face if she took the phone away from Christopher.“My hands won’t work,” Buck said so quietly.
Relationships: Athena Grant/Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Henrietta "Hen" Wilson/Karen Wilson, Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 31
Kudos: 807
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	I Couldn’t Stand the Person Inside Me I Turned All the Mirrors Around

It was supposed to have been a treat. A quick pick me up for the team after the morning they had, had.

They’d been making their way back to the station, still covered in sweat and soot, after a grueling call that had gotten them up at three in the morning and kept them out until well past eight when they saw the accident first hand. Bobby could practically hear the collective sigh as they watched a woman under the influence walk into traffic. Cars slammed on breaks with a screech of their tires that had Bobby’s heart in his throat and Jensen spitting out a curse. By some miracle, no one hit her. But then she’d stumbled into the bike lane and an unsuspecting bike messenger was flipped over his handle bars and thrown across the intersection as the woman got tangled in the spokes and let out a blood curdling scream. Chim flipped on the lights and pulled the ambulance into the intersection and the patience level of the morning commuters plummeted until the air was thick with annoyance and honking horns.

“Dispatch this is Captain Nash of the 118. Requesting a RA back up and police assistance with traffic control for accident involving a bicyclist and a pedestrian at the intersection of DuPoint and Clearwater. Possible 212 in regards to the pedestrian.”

Possible became almost probable when they stepped out of the truck and heard her screaming to the sky in the most wretched, furious screech Bobby had ever heard. Hen was with the bike messenger who was cursing up a storm as he held a broken arm close to his chest and Chim was trying to inch closer to the woman who was busy trying to fend off both Chim and the bike she was tangled up with.

“Get away! Assholes!” She raged out at the shadows of anyone who came near her but the wild look in her eyes pretty much confirmed that she wasn’t even on the same planet as them anymore.

She couldn’t have been older than May, with her hair in a messy bun on her head, dark circles under her eyes on a face that still had a little bit of baby fat in her cheeks, and a well worn University of Southern California sweatshirt stained with blood from a cut on her forehead framing her small body.

“What do you need Chim?” Bobby asked.

“Bolt cutters and a mute button?” Chim quipped before he held up his hand. “Ma’am I know you’re confused but please, I’m just trying to help you.”

An animalistic snarl twisted her face and she dragged her body and the bike with her back against the curb. Cars blasted their horns and people shouted from their windows as the city roused awake. Bobby could feel the pulsating pounding of a headache pressing behind his tired eyes. Eddie was inching closer to Chim and the girl with the bolt cutters just as the whistle of police sirens died down and a cruiser slid beside the truck.

Normally, Chim was the last person to be so snappish but his team was running on fumes and they were all dragging their feet.

Bobby sighed and pulled out his wallet.

“Buck,” Bobby said, handing over the department credit card. “There’s not much to do here. Go get us some coffee. I’ll make breakfast when we get back.”

It should've been a testament of how tired Buck was that he didn’t even pout as he took the card and hurried over to the café.

* * *

People’s coffee orders said a lot about them. Not the favorite drink or the traditional cliché staple when the weather changed. No, Buck knew that a person’s drink order when they were tired and cranky and focused on putting one foot in front of the other was the real glimpse of the soul. The kind of drink that was the classic. The standard. The go to when you just wanted the comfort of something dependable.

Maybe he was just really tired.

But take Eddie’s for example. Eddie took his coffee black. No frills, no muss, no fuss. Milk and creamer didn’t keep when you were in a war zone. But Eddie drank his coffee like men smoked cigars. He savored the bitter taste on his tongue, dragging it out so he could carry the lingering sensation with him whenever the adrenaline turned a touch too sharp at the back of his throat. Bobby liked his with a little milk. Milk, not creamer though, he’d never ask for milk if creamer was all that was offered. Something that eased the tension out of the flavor of black coffee and made it easier. Unlike Chim, who preferred creamer and a touch of cinnamon. The cinnamon always surprised the taste buds when they least expected it. He claimed cinnamon was the most underestimated spice. Then, there was Hen’s order. Hen drank decaf. She didn’t drink caffeine if she could help it because it made her hands shake and no one wanted an IV from a paramedic with shaky fingers. She drank the coffee for the warmth that she carried with her late into the shift until she got home to her family.

Buck didn’t know what his coffee order said about him. He was just the guy who remembered what everyone liked. But as he took a sip of his, wincing at the strength of the bitter taste, he started to feel a little more human again. He usually only tried to stick to two packets of sugar but the café made their drinks so strong he could practically taste the caffeine in the air on his tongue. He ripped open another packet and stirred as the sugar dissolved before taking another sip.

Much better.

By the time he made it back to the truck, his hands were full with two drink carriers, Chim and Hen were loading the bike messenger into the ambulance, and the additional RA unit was already long gone with the college student. Buck felt bad for her. He remembered what college was like despite all of Chim’s jokes. The never-ending stress was enough to burn out even the smartest of students.

“You’re a lifesaver, Buckaroo,” Hen said as she circled the ambulance and took the cups Buck indictated.

“He better be,” Chim quipped, snatching his drink from the window. “He’s still on the clock!”

Buck rolled his eyes and waved with his arm before he returned to the truck. Normally, he would’ve hated to be delegated away but the soft smile Eddie gave him and the quick peck against the corner of his lips when no one was looking was worth it. Buck hid his grin behind his cup as he gulped down his coffee.

The dating thing was still new. It wasn’t like it was a secret--- they told Bobby and he was pretty sure Chim knew but had been sworn to silence by Maddie--- but they were still trying to hold onto the tenderness of the ache that came with exploring each other and separating to give each other space to process. They were still trying to cradle the sweetness of their shared kisses and flirty smiles. So, they tended to keep the PDA to almost nonexistent when they were working.

Though, he was pretty sure a blind person could see the fluttering of butterflies that took flight in his chest every time Eddie so much as _looked_ at him. Even his hands were shaking. But that could also be the caffeine.

He’d finished his coffee before the truck even pulled into the bay doors. It wasn’t exactly the greatest cup he’d ever had and the sugar had left a gritty film on his tongue but whatever. He’d make another cup during breakfast.

“All right, hit the showers everyone. We’re offline for the next hour to clean up and get some breakfast.”

Everyone mumbled their affirmative as Bobby disappeared into his captain’s quarters for a shower of his own. Buck jumped down from the truck and nearly buckled onto the ground as his knees gave out. The adrenaline crash must have been hitting a lot faster than he realized.

“You okay?” Eddie asked, his hand hovering behind Buck’s back.

He wasn’t touching him but the heat of his hand was there all the same. Buck shook off the fatigue and smiled.

“Yeah, just ready for a shower.”

But the shower didn’t really seem to help like it normally did. Buck was torn by a menagerie of sensations. The dizziness hit first and had his vision swimming across the sharp pattern of tiles in the bathroom. The water was like hot pellets against his skin, dragging scalding claws down his body and twisting into crevices he’d never been so aware of before. It was too hot. But if he turned the water down even a little bit, it was too cold and the frigidness was enough to make him want to the chafe of the heat more. He didn’t think he was coming down with anything but the longer he showered, the more he wanted to just lie down. His head felt like a cluster of debris caught in the waves of a current that was too bouncy and every splash on the shoreline was like a cymbal against his skull. Chim crashed into the bathroom and just the sound of his breathing was enough to split Buck’s head in two. The addition of his shower and Chim’s sharp whistling was too much and Buck hurried to get dressed and head upstairs.

Which had been a mistake because the smell of Bobby’s eggs was so rancid in his nostrils he wanted to burn off his own nose. Buck swallowed down the nausea and shook his head.

Also, a mistake. Everything twisted around until it was mirrored images of one another.

“Buck,” Bobby called, his voice sounding like razer blades and triggering everyone of Buck’s warning bells. “Can you come set the table?”

The shaking in Buck’s hands had intensified into aftershocks along his whole body as he stepped forward to grab the stack of plates. The anxiety of the growing overstimulation was seizing control of his lungs as his heart thundered against his chest. His tongue felt weird. Everything felt weird. The heat from the shower was suffocating and he could feel sweat collecting in the small of his back and everything was too much. Christopher’s voice from Eddie’s phone as they Facetimed. The sizzling of peppers and onions and eggs and something greasy that turned Buck’s stomach. The sharp instinct to _get out get out get out_ that stole his breath away. The sun was falling down on him. It was too bright which meant it was going to crash on top of him and crush him and he wouldn’t be able to move and the glass would be everywhere.

* * *

The shattering sound of plates erupted in the air like a crack of thunder and Eddie’s gaze shot up from his phone. Something was wrong. It was a hair thin trigger that had been switched the moment he caught sight of his boyfriend and the whole world could’ve stopped for all Eddie knew. Buck was staring down at his hands, breathing way too fast, and drowning in some kind of panic that only he could see.

“Eddie?” Carla called. “Is everything all right?”

Something must have shown on his face if she took the phone away from Christopher.

“My hands won’t work,” Buck said so quietly.

“I have to go,” Eddie said before he hung up on Carla.

Chim froze on the stairs as he took in the sudden tension and Eddie could hear Hen getting up from the couch but he had his eyes trained on Buck.

“Buck?” Bobby stepped forward but wide, terrified eyes swung up to stare at him as Buck _flinched_ back.

“S-Stop!”

Bobby froze but Buck cowered away anyway.

“Buck, are you all right?”

He was shaking so badly that Eddie could see it from across the loft and any color that had been in Buck’s face was gone. The stairs groaned under Chim’s weight and Buck whirled around with a cry as he stumbled to get away.

“Don’t! I-I-I---” But the words were cut off as Bobby tried to approach him again. “Get away from me!”

The words were like a shredded imitation of Buck’s voice and instead of his boyfriend, they were facing down a cornered animal that was willing to snap to get away. But it was with stunning clarity to Eddie that that was exactly what it was like. Something was terrifyingly wrong and Buck was battling it on his own and somehow, they’d all crowded around him while bracing like he he would run.

And he would run. Eddie had no doubt in his mind that if Buck wasn’t so seemingly frozen in fear he would’ve been running as far as he could go on his own two feet.

“Buck---”

Buck held up a hand to fend off some invisible attack and the hostility shrank into something small and terrified as he shook his head. Suddenly, Buck was crying. Hot gut-wrenching sounds hitched high in his throat and he shook his head over and over and over again. 

“I didn’t do anything! I didn’t do it!”

It was like a lash against Eddie’s heart but he didn’t have time to nurse that because Buck was backing up and picking up speed and if he didn’t stop, he was going to fall right over the balcony. Everyone burst into action and tried to catch him but Buck was dodging all of them like they would burn him and _screamed._

“No!”

But he wasn’t stopping.

“Buck!”

And he was stumbling back without a care in the world to the glass railing looming less than three steps behind him.

“Buck, stop!”

Eddie reached him first and Eddie did the only thing he could. He snapped his hand around Buck’s wrist and used the momentum of Buck trying to pull away to swing his body around Buck’s and took him down with a hook of his ankle.

And they went down hard.

Eddie tried to take the brunt of the impact but if Buck felt any pain you wouldn’t have been able to tell by the way he was already withering desperately to get away. Buck keened, a low desperate pitchy, panicked sound. Eddie pinned him to the floor and wrapped his arms around his chest. Buck tried to flip him off but Eddie slipped his legs over Buck’s hips. With the threat of Buck falling over the balcony thoroughly squashed as Eddie’s pin held, it wasn’t enough for the pounding of his heart against his rib cage to subside because Buck was still screaming and crying and trying to get away. Buck planted his feet onto the floor and arched, trying to knock Eddie off but only managing to slide them until Eddie’s back was pushed against the long wooden pillar that forced a huff of air to leave his lips. Bobby dropped beside them and pinned Buck’s legs down but Buck was still desperately fighting to get away.

The pleading screams were going to haunt Eddie’s nightmares for the rest of his life.

* * *

“What the hell is happening?”

The sudden teetering jolt of what would’ve been a quiet morning into a thrashing mess of limbs and screams was dizzying and no one could hold back the panic in their eyes as they watched Buck suffer from some unseen nightmare.

“It’s like he’s on drugs or something,” Hen said as she hurried to slip on her gloves when Chim returned with their bags.

Chim crouched over the three of them with his penlight and Buck screeched like he was in physical pain.

“Pupils are dilated.”

In the distraction of the trauma of the penlight, Hen had been able to grab Buck’s hand and lance his finger. A sob ripped from somewhere deep in Buck’s chest as he tried to pull his hand away.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” Every plea was reaching a level of hysteria that was going to do more harm than good.

Hen switched places with Chim who took a steady hold of Buck’s hand to read his glucose levels. He squirmed away, pushing Eddie back into the pillar but he didn’t so much as grimace and Hen focused back on Buck. Small, anguished sounds were falling out of his lips like left over confetti, random and unpredictable, and the pure, unadulterated fear was rolling off him in waves as wild blue eyes darted all around them.

“Buck,” Hen said but Buck whined like her voice was like a knife in his ears.

She tried again, lifting her hands to hold onto his face. Firm but gentle so he wouldn’t rear back and headbutt Eddie.

“Buck,” she said again, wiping her thumb to disturb the tracks of tears on his cheek. “It’s Hen.”

A hitch choke sound slipped out before Buck’s eyes zeroed in on her.

“H-Hen?”

His face crumpled and his lip wobbled as he shook his head. She soothed her thumb over his cheeks again.

“It’s okay. I’m right here, Buckaroo. It’s Hen.”

Buck sucked in a breath of air that made his whole-body shudder on the inhale and Eddie rubbed a hand on his chest until he exhaled.

His breath smelled like the too strong coffee they’d all had.

“Do you know where you are?” She asked, still trying to distract him so Chimney could finish checking his vitals.

A flash of panic dashed over Buck’s face that crushed down the distraught. He shook his head and the movement seemed to drag the shaking down his entire body.

“I d-don’t… I don’t… Hen?”

“His pulse is through the roof,” Chim murmured to Bobby. “It’s like he’s scaring himself to death.”

“Can you give him something?”

“We can’t risk giving him a sedative if we don’t know what he’s been given,” Hen said, her words as heavy as a punch in the gut.

A long thin mewling whimper broke past Buck’s lips as he strained against Bobby’s and Eddie’s hold and when he couldn’t get free, he let out another kitten weak cry that would’ve shattered ice.

“Buck,” Eddie said into his ear, sounding just as heartbroken as they all felt. “Buck, you’re okay. You’re all right.”

His lips moved along Buck’s skin like a kiss and Buck, whether consciously or not, pressed into the feeling like it was his only lifeline and cried.

Hen shot a glance at Chimney.

“What is it?” Bobby asked, watching them.

“These are all the same symptoms as that college student we treated on the way back.”

“Could Buck have been exposed somehow?”

But Chim shook his head. “I don’t see how. He wasn’t anywhere near the scene for most of it.”

“You think this is some kind of a chemical agent?”

Before either of them could speak up though, Buck shot up with a gasp, dragging Eddie with him and forcing Bobby to drop his weight back onto Buck’s legs.

“We have to go!” Buck cried, swinging his gaze as he tried to wiggle free. “It’s coming, Hen! It’s coming! We have to go! Let me go! Let me go! Eddie! No. No. No. No!”

Buck flinched so hard it knocked both Eddie and him over to the side and Eddie grunted in pain. But they couldn’t focus on Eddie because suddenly, the noises stopped and Buck started to turn red.

“Buck?” Eddie gasped.

His chest was impossibly still and Chim was on him in second, rubbing his knuckles hard against Buck’s sternum.

“Buck!” Chim slapped Buck’s cheek with a steady tap of his fingers. “Buck, you have breathe!”

All they got was a thin choked out sound in reply as Buck held his breath, suffocating on his own panic.

* * *

When Buck woke up, the room was filled with monsters and shadows that spun and stretched across his vision like overstretched taffy. His hands felt like they were caked with mud, thick and heavy, and his fingers were all but numb. Something was ringing in his ears but he didn’t care because he was all alone and everything hurt and he didn’t know where he was. Buck lurched back with a scream trapped in his throat

“Hold him down,” someone commanded.

“No! No! No!” Buck howled out at whoever would listen but nobody was and he sobbed as the first restraint clipped around his wrist followed by another.

A monster leaned over him and he flinched back as it lied about how it was for his own protection and he screeched until his voice was hoarse.

“Eddie! Eddie! Eddie please! Bobby! Hen!” He screamed for his friends but they were gone and his ankles were pinned and he’d lost them. He’d lost them.

“Chim! Bobby! Please! Please I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’ll be good! Please! Maddie! Maddie! Maddie!”

He kept up the litany of pleading because they’d left him or he’d lost them but he was alone and he couldn’t move and he was drowning and there was no one. He was all alone. He was all alone!

* * *

When Maddie rushed into the ER, she was met with Bobby physically holding Eddie back while the sounds of Buck crying out for her filled the air all the way out into the waiting room. She used to find comfort in the cacophony of mayhem that was unique to an emergency room but not when her baby brother was screaming her name like it was the only thing that would save him. Chim rushed up to intercept her, similar to the way Bobby was with Eddie, and held up a hand.

“What happened?”

Chim looked exhausted and pale and in desperate need of a shave but Buck was calling for her. He was _crying_ for her. Maddie tried to get around Chimney but he stopped her with a hand on her shoulder.

“I said move,” Eddie all but growled but Bobby was meeting his stare down with one of his own.

“If you go barging in there then the hospital security will escort you out and where will you be when Buck needs you?”

“Buck needs me _now!”_

As if to prove his point, Eddie’s name wailed through the waiting room like ghost trapped in the walls.

The hot press of tears burned at the back of her eyes and she swung her gaze back to Chimney who looked close to tears himself.

“What happened?” She demanded again.

Chim looked like he was in physical pain, stunned and dazed from a blow she didn’t see. It was the comedown from the adrenaline, she knew, and she threw her arms around him. He melted against her, trembling in her hold.

“We don’t know what happened. One minute he was fine and then next it was like he was in a whole other world.” Chim sucked in a breath and shook his head. “He almost went over the balcony.”

“Captain Nash?” Everyone turned at the sound of the doctor’s voice. “Is the family here yet?”

Maddie latched her hand onto Chim’s and stepped forward. The doctor couldn’t have been much older than Bobby with peppered grey hair and frown lines that dropped deep into his face with his severe expression.

“This is Buck’s sister,” Bobby said and the doctor gave her a tight-lipped nod.

“Miss Buckley,” the doctor said, skipping introductions which Maddie knew meant he was crunched for time. “I need your consent to take some blood from Evan and run a tox screen and cultures.”

Maddie latched her teeth onto the bottom of her lip and rolled the skin until it felt raw and coppery on her tongue. “Of course. Please.”

Another distinctively Buck sob pierced the air, louder as it passed through the open door, and Maddie watched as the rest of the team wilted at the sound.

“Why is he screaming like that?” Eddie jabbed a finger in the direction of the emergency room. "Why aren't you helping him?"

The doctor ran a tired hand through his hair. He glanced at Eddie and then Bobby before settling on Maddie.

“We had to put restraints---”

A pressure cooker of emotion that Maddie suspected had been building up since the moment Buck had started acting weird suddenly popped. Anger, tension, frustration bubbled over as outrage boiled to the surface and flashed over everyone’s head. People jumped to their feet and the indignation was palpable in the air as everyone aimed their fury at the doctor.

“What!” Eddie snapped.

The doctor held out a pacifying hand that did nothing to ease the wave of rage headed towards him.

“He was getting too aggressive.”

“He’s terrified, not violent!” Hen argued, her fists tight at her sides.

The doctor nodded. “I understand that but the safety of Mr. Buckley and my staff is my top priority. Now, that being said we’re going to try and flush out his system after we do some bloodwork. I would rather not do that and cause him more distress than necessary so if one of you would be willing to come stay with him, I think that would be a big help.”

No one argued at all that it should be Maddie and she left with a promise to Eddie that she would come get him as soon as she could. She wrung her hands in front of her as she followed the doctor through the maze of the ER and tried to prepare herself for the worst.

It was the worst and then more so.

Buck’s eyes were red rimmed and sunken in with exhaustion like he’d been crying for hours but wild with panic as he pulled against the restraints holding him to the bed. Maddie had known Buck his entire life. She knew him better than anyone else. She’d watched him experience all the wonders in the world and all the heartbreaks hidden in the shadows.

She had _never_ seen him so scared than in that moment.

“Buck.” She gasped and two blue eyes petrified with devastation swung around until they landed on her.

“M-Maddie?” Buck sobbed out, his voice raw and shredded, like he didn’t know if she was real. “Maddie!”

Maddie shot across the room and brushed away the sweat soaked curls from his forehead. The relief in his expression broke her heart into a million pieces and she pressed a kiss against his brow.

“I’m here.” She tried to sooth. “I’m right here. You’re okay.”

A whine slipped past his lips as Buck tried to pull away from where the nurse was prepping his arm to take some blood.

“Ow ow _ow ow!”_

Maddie tried to distract him from the sting of the needle and the nurse apologized quietly like he was a child as she worked as fast as she could. The doctor was murmuring things to another nurse as they took Buck’s vitals but he just kept shaking like he was about to fall apart at the seams. 

Maybe he already had. Maddie didn’t know. But soon it was all over and Buck dropped into a series of pitiful crying as he squeezed his eyes shut.

“Make it stop, Maddie. Please! Make it stop!” Buck begged.

And Maddie, helpless to do anything, cried with him.

* * *

The air of the hospital waiting room was as stale as a warzone after a long battle. Silence hung in the air but even she could feel the reverberating trauma that still lingered. Hen spotted Athena first, her expression solemn and worn out but overall okay as she rubbed Chim’s back. But it was her husband she was worried about the most.

Bobby was staring at a spot on the wall ahead of him, his hands clasped together as if he had been praying and drifted away from his petition with the waning reserves left empty in his system. They all looked exhausted and that didn’t even take into consideration the fact that they’d all had about four hours of sleep. But Bobby must have heard her heartbeat, the way she could always sense his when he was near, and he broke from his trance to look up at her.

They met in the middle and when Athena got her arms around him, she knew that this was going to be a bruise that would need to be nursed for a while.

“Any news?” She asked, running her hand up and down her husband’s back.

“They finished admitting him. Eddie just went back to his room. They want us all to do a drug test just to rule out any concerns.”

Athena would’ve been impressed that Bobby had been able to keep Eddie back this long if she didn’t know first hand how annoyingly sensible her husband could be.

“He was terrified of me, Athena,” he whispered brokenly in her ear. “You should’ve seen the way---"

“He was terrified everything,” she said, shaking her head. “The wind would’ve set him off. Don’t put that on yourself.”

Bobby curled around her tighter, burying his face in her neck and inhaling once and then twice before he pulled away from her. She lifted her hands to cup his face and he leaned into the touch like it was the first taste of water he’d had in a century long drought. Hen and Chim lurked at the edge of their bubble and she took them in as well. Neither of them looked any better than Bobby so she didn’t bother asking how they were doing.

“Any news on Buck’s results?” Hen asked.

Athena felt the curl of hot anger in her stomach as she tightened her lips into a thin line and nodded.

“Buck was chock full some hallucinogenic cocktail we’ve never seen before,” she said. “And I’m afraid he might not be the only one either. We’ve got over twenty-three reports of cases with people experiencing the same bad trip as our boy here. That victim from the bicycle incident? She’s one of them. Straight A student who didn’t even touch aspirin on a good day and she’s up to her eyeballs in LSD, epinephrine, DXM, and Lord knows what else.”

Chim let out a low curse. “I guess it was a good thing we didn’t give him a sedative then. Buck would’ve dropped with heart failure.”

Athena hummed her agreement. “The trouble is, we have no idea how these drugs are getting into their system. Buck and the bicycle victim are the only ones who are remotely connected.”

She checked a glance at Bobby but he looked just as stricken as before.

“Buck didn’t mention any kind of pinpricks or anything on the call,” Hen said with a shake of her head.

Even Buck, who had a history of hiding aches and pains like they were a dirty secret, wouldn't have been stupid enough to conceal something as serious as a mistaken needle prick at a scene. So, that ruled out injection for the most part. If they couldn’t figure out how the drugs were administered then they would have to examine him for an injection site.

“Has he eaten anything different from the rest of you? Did someone drop any outside food off at the station?”

They all learned their lesson the hard way when those brownies arrived a while back. 

This time it was Chim’s turn to shake his head. “No. None of us have eaten anything since dinner last night. We didn’t even get a chance to have breakfast. We just got---”

He stopped mid chew and his glob of gum fell onto his tongue as some kind of epiphany settled between the three of them.

* * *

Buck hadn’t let go of Eddie since they’d removed the restraints and he couldn’t say he blamed him. The hospital bed certainly wasn’t big enough for the two of them especially not with Buck on top of him and hiding his face in Eddie’s neck and curling his legs up tight against his chest like that would make him any smaller. But Eddie didn't care. Maddie had stumbled out of the room to take a quick breather. She may not have been there during the initial touchdown of the hurricane but she’d ridden out the storm of shielding Buck from all the unfamiliar touches and prodding. The IV had apparently been nothing short of traumatizing. When Eddie had finally been allowed back into Buck’s room, both of the Buckleys burst into tears.

They didn’t say anything.

Eddie was fine in the silence and Buck didn’t seem like he could bring himself to form words just yet. He didn’t want to talk about it. Not while it was still happening.

And it _was_ still happening.

Even if he wasn’t actively trying to run away in terror or screaming for a mercy none of them could give him, there would still be moments where Eddie’s neck would feel wet and Buck would tremble past a flinch and he hadn’t let go of the death grip he had on Eddie’s shirt.

Eddie curled his arms around Buck, the tightness seeming to comfort him a little as another hiccup burst past his lips, and he planted a soft kiss against Buck's forehead.

“I’m right here. Ride it out, Buck,” he said as Buck violently shuddered through another episode of terrifying imagination. “I’ll be right here.”

“Don’t go,” Buck croaked. “Please, don’t leave me.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” Eddie promised.

And he was prepared to fight every nurse, doctor, technician if it came down to it.

* * *

“Jefferson Bailey?”

Officers swarmed the small café around Athena as a thin, mousey barista looked up from behind oversized glasses.

“Already?” Jefferson asked as he allowed an officer to cuff his hands behind his back. “That was fast.”

Athena read him his rights as officers swooped in to bag and tag every single sugar packet in the café including the ones in the back. 

“How soon can I have access to the police reports?” Jefferson asked as soon as they began to march him outside.

“Your lawyer can request those---”

For the first time since the cuffs went on, Jefferson struggled a little and dug his heel into the ground to turn.

“No, screw the lawyer. I just need to see the reports to analyze the data.”

“Excuse me?” Athena’s brow arched high on her forehead.

“My thesis is on the human behavior of an over stimulated flight or fight response in a comfortable setting. I would’ve liked to have been able to have a few more subjects to study but thirty-five should be enough.”

He said it like they were talking about the weather.

Athena had only ever felt her resolve waver a handful of times in her entire career but in that moment, when Jefferson dismissed the damage he’d done, she was tested. She didn’t know if he was delusional, cruel, or a sociopath but she didn’t care. 

“Get him out of here.” Williams nodded and took over escorting Jefferson to one of the squad cars.

“But I need to see the data!” Jefferson argued, turning to Athena to reason his case. “What about the big guy? The firefighter. He took two. His increased levels of testosterone would suggest he’d lean towards the more fight primal instincts. Was he violent? Was his response aggression or fear?”

She thought of Bobby. She thought of the guilt ridden, deep rooted exhaustion, and devastated shock that burdened his expression. She thought of the haunted twitchy movements of the team as they tried to explain what happened. There were going to be a lot of scared people they would have to track down but Buck was her friend. It could’ve been anyone on the team. It could’ve been Bobby who she’d already had to pull off a ledge once. It could’ve been Chim or Hen or Eddie. By sheer, luck it had been Buck and this monster just watched as Buck took two doses?

No.

Not today. She marched forward and dragged him the rest of the way to the squad car herself.

“The only fear you’re going to analyze is your own in jail.”

* * *

“God, I’m so embarrassed.”

Buck’s voice was nothing more of a rasp as he kept his gaze firmly on his hands in his lap. He curled and uncurled the fingers as if exploring them for the first time. Everything was still a little unsteady but the demons that haunted him at night had been shoved back into the deepest darkest parts of him that he kept deadbolted.

“Don’t be,” Bobby said quietly as he patted Buck’s leg.

It was dark outside and everyone had gone home when Buck was on the better side of sober and they were rudely reminded that they were all running on little sleep and almost no food. Karen had all but dragged Hen home and Maddie promised to be back when she got Chim tucked into bed. The protest was on the tip of his tongue like a habit but… He was still feeling raw and exposed and the vulnerable edge to his resolve felt better when Maddie was around.

Buck felt like he'd been dropped about a thousand feet and crash landed on every hard surface on the way down. His head was pounding and his body ached in the worst way possible. The doctors said it was from all the tension he'd been holding for too long but it left him weak and sore.

Eddie’s arm curled around his waist as his nose dipped into his hair with a soft snore. Eddie hadn’t moved despite Buck releasing him after hours of clinging. The world may be right side up again but the anxiety was still thrumming under his skin. Feeling the rise and fall of Eddie’s solid chest against his back was enough of a reminder of what was real when he got a little lost with what wasn’t. Plus, Buck was freezing in the hospital from the IV pushing fluids into his body and Eddie was like his own personal furnace. He’d been asleep for close to an hour and Buck had all but hissed at the nurse who tried to wake him up.

“You’ve got no reason to be embarrassed,” Bobby added.

Bobby had made no move to leave and Athena had hinted that she would be returning after she finished crossing off every item on her checklist to make sure Jefferson Bailey didn’t see the light of day ever again. In total he’d managed to drug thirty-five people and was linked to ten additional injuries from unsuspecting bystanders caught up in the fallout. Not only had he’d hurt Buck but he’d drugged a school teacher, a physical therapist, a handful of college students, and a construction worker. 

And while it may have been easy for Bobby to say, it didn't help stop the crawling humiliated flush that was creeping up into his face. 

"Hey," Bobby said, leaning forward as he clamped a hand on the space below Buck's knee. "Look at me, kid."

Buck bit on his lip to keep it from trembling. He had trouble controlling his emotions on a good day and he'd most certainly had, had a very _bad_ day. His defenses had crumbled down into a pile of dust around him and he was _just so tired._ He was mortified and still a little confused and okay maybe a bit angry. But he was so sick of crying and if he looked at Bobby, Buck knew he would break again. 

"Look at me, Buck," Bobby repeated and Buck never could tell Bobby no so he did. 

A tear slipped past his lashes and Buck shoved a rough fist against his cheek to wipe it away. Bobby waited for him, watching as Buck tried to pull himself together so he could face the disappointment. The exasperation. The frustration.

But Bobby's expression was the same neutral way it always was.

"You have no reason to be embarrassed," Bobby said slowly, placing his words in deliberate order so Buck would hear them all. "You were the most terrified I have ever seen you in all my years knowing you and that was unnerving to all of us."

"I'm sorry," Buck said, feeling the heat of his shame climb further up his face.

Bobby shook his head.

"Don't be sorry," Bobby insisted. "That man's reckless experiment was meant to make you scared. It was meant to make you that terrified."

"Well, it worked," Buck said, dropping his gaze down to his hands again. "I don't know why he thought I'd start fighting."

"Because he doesn't know how brave you are." 

Bobby said it so simply. So clear. So sure. Buck's gaze snapped up at him and he frowned. He hadn't been brave. He'd been the opposite of brave. He'd screamed himself hoarse and cried until it felt like there wasn't an ounce of water left in his body! 

"He didn't know how deeply you feel," Bobby continued as if he hadn't stopped. "He didn't take into account the kind of person you are, kid. You're so brave because of how deeply you can feel that fear that every one of our calls experience. When they call us, they're having one of the worst days of their lives and they feel better because you can relate to them."

Bobby shook his head as he leaned forward in his chair so that Buck could see the similar rawness that he felt tight in Bobby's eyes. 

"Buck," Bobby said, his voice like a quiet plea for Buck to listen. "You are one of the bravest men I know and I'm not about to let you forget that."

And something in Buck started to sing, breaking through the dark shadows that had clouded in his soul and licked at all of his wounds. The praise was like a balm to his hurt and while it didn't cure anything, it definitely started to heal the lingering pain. 

Buck opened his mouth to respond but Eddie curled Buck tighter against his chest with a grumble and forced them both to slip further down into the bed. 

"Now go to sleep, Buck," Eddie grouched without opening his eyes as he moved his hand to start petting at Buck's hair and promptly fell back asleep. 

Bobby shared a quiet snicker with Buck before he got up to dim the lights even more. 

"Go to sleep, Buck," Bobby said, easing himself into the recliner by the window. "We'll keep the nightmares away." 


End file.
